I am excited to think that we are all moving back, back to a place of innocence. A place were I don't have visceral memories from, but only glimpses of the rawest feelings. When information was sweeping through and didn't know how to filter it out, catagorize, and stuff it aside yet. Feelings got the larger hold of me, and I wholly bent with their power.
College… early on, all I remember felt like a trip. Perhaps because it was. That really blew me away freshman year. I can't emphasize how much my perception of the world changed after psychedelics. I was an entirely new person. But more confused than ever. But I do remember strange little things like, the night and people glowing like deep neon colors. But not glow sticks, I mean their souls.
And the goings and comings of things. And how we all kept meeting at the same places, realizing we had been going nowhere all along. But the act of pretending we were doing something, or that something was happening was growing tiring to me. I felt like something somewhere _was_ happening. The only moments I realized anything was happening was when I zoomed back far enough, beyond the walls of the rooms, beyond the shapes of the buildings, out to the sky, out above the Boston skyline, and saw unreal beauty. And realized I was in a picture. A 4 dimensional painting.
And the days were perfect. I remember the Fall. The first Fall was the best, because my filters were down. All I could do was be in awe, as things got cold and our souls sunk deeper.
And I dug up some haikus I wrote around 2005. So awesome, many were about the Fall.
a new morning
dried leaves blowing
like empty pages
Somewhere along the way, I sat with you completely exposed. My heart I mean. And we felt how linked we were. Somewhere along the way, something you did caused me to misinterpret that something was wrong with me. And that I had to close this heart. And I made a mistake by interpreting your alarm as a reason to close my heart. I should have loved you all the more. But it was hard.
Tearing down these walls and refusing the boundaries I've since created for myself is returning back to innocence.
And today as I sat eating lunch watching all the Berkeley students walking by, I thought about my own college experience… high school experience.. etc. And I thought about how deeply I felt I was in a rat race. We all do, don't we? We're constantly comparing ourselves and judging ourselves by supposed criteria.
Well a revolutionary thought came to mind… all of that comparing is the underlying problem. There is nothing to compare to. To return back to innocence, we have to stop ourselves at every single judgement we make and say "to make a judgement is a fallacy in itself."
It's as if that function in the thinking brain was really supposed to be used for the most mechanical things, but we've been building comparisons from thin air and implementing them as if they have any truth simply because the masses have bought into them. But they still have no truth.
Returning back to innocence is undoing the way our mind has been working. I can't wait, because innocence is such a pleasantly simple and delightful state.
something was said
but now I see it was
all noise
