A friend suggested Byron Katie to me, and it's taken me a while to look into her work, but yesterday I did so. Right off the bat, I knew her work resonated with me because from what I understand, she asks a simple set of questions for any circumstance, and challenges the mind. We don't challenge our own minds enough when we begin to get affected by the emotions it is creating in us. We become so stuck in our emotions, we don't question deeply enough if there is a good reason that we should be feeling this at all in the first place. When we cannot detach from our emotions, it becomes a feedback effect, amplifying the situation.
I got a hold of the essence of her work, which is remarkably simple yet stunningly powerful. She asks you to pick a situation which involves someone who you haven't forgiven yet, and see this as a mirror of your relationship with yourself. "This is the most powerful place to begin. Even if you‟ve forgiven that person 99 percent, you aren‟t free until your forgiveness is complete. The 1 percent you haven‟t forgiven them is the very place where you‟re stuck in all your other relationships (including your relationship with yourself)." she says.
Then you fill out a worksheet answering questions about the situation, being as petty and emotional about the situation as you can possibly be -- triggering a relieving emotional release. Then you turn it around, as if you are now standing back from the thoughts and doing some operations on them, almost scientifically. After you've altered them to ideas that you wouldn't have come up with intuitively, you can marvel at how moving these new concepts are.
I liked her questions a lot, but after working through it once last night, I found these questions to be most relevant for me, so I thought I'd share them. :)!
1 What and who is making you feel wrong?
2 What do they need to be in order to make you feel happy?
3 Why do you feel they are doing this?
4 What is it that you don't want to experience?
5 When reading #1, how do you feel?
6 When reading #2, how do you feel?
7 How are you sure #3 is correct?
8 Can you feel happy for the person for making the choices they are making?
9 Turn #3 around. What if that was the case?
10 Turn it all around. Put "I" in replacement of the other person.
11 Why are you causing your unhappiness? What are you trying to achieve?
12 What would it take for you to achieve this?
13 Now, realize, you already have it.
Below, I'll input a sample response so you can see how it's done. First, a great quote from Byron Katie:
"Forgiveness is realizing that what you thought happened, didn't."
1 What and who is making you feel wrong?
I thought Allison and I would become good friends but she hasn't been making any time to hang out with me even though I've offered many times.
I see Allison hanging out with Phil and wonder what kind of special connection they have that I could not have.
Allison is so elusive when I ask her what she is up to and she never includes me in any of her plans.
I could write her off, but she's expressed that she really connects with me at other times, and I feel very good when she is around.
Allison is making me feel inadequate.
2 What do they need to be in order to make you feel happy?
Allison should be more interested in me and should make time for me so that we can become good friends. She also should share more about her life and include me in her experiences so our bond can grow.
3 Why do you feel they are doing this?
She must be doing this because her life is going so well, that she doesn't have time or interest to incorporate me into it. She seems so busy always.
4 What is it that you don't want to experience?
I don't like being around someone who I like, but who does not pay attention to me. I feel stuck speaking to her about it because she is shameless about saying she doesn't have enough time for the next few months and that makes me feel rejected.
5 When reading #1, how do you feel?
Relieved emotionally from having it expressed. Why am I stuck to her response to me?
6 When reading #2, how do you feel?
It sounds like I do not like Allison for who she really is and how she prefers to be acting.
7 How are you sure #3 is correct?
No I am not sure. But I am not sure why she doesn't feel like incorporating me into her life wouldn't make her happier. But back to the point, no I am not sure it is correct. Perhaps she does things for different reasons than I assume.
8 Can you feel happy for the person for making the choices they are making?
Yes, because it seems like her relationship with Phil is making her happy. And she seems to be growing into a beautiful woman day by day. I love her.
9 Turn #3 around. What if that was the case?
She must be doing this because her life is not going well. Hm, interesting. Maybe it's not. I have no idea.
10 Turn it all around. Put "I" in replacement of the other person.
#1 - I thought I and I would become good friends but I haven't been making any time to hang out with me even though I've offered many times.
I wonder what kind of special connection I could not have with myself.
This is interesting - I don't think I haven't been making time for my own self persay. But the latter point made me realize that perhaps I am envious of the relationship _Allison_ has with herself!
#2 - I should be more interested in me and should make time for me so that we can become good friends. I should also share more about my life and include me in my experiences so our bond can grow.
Wow, echos what I thought above. Perhaps the key thing is time with myself spent interested in myself!
#4 - I want to experience being around someone who I like, who does not pay attention to me.
I guess the right way to write this is more like "I can experience…" etc rather than want, but yes, it would be nice to be able to experience this without discomfort.
11 Why are you causing your unhappiness? What are you trying to achieve?
I am trying to get my own attention … to learn to be more independent in my own experience.
12 What would it take for you to achieve this?
13 Now, realize, you already have it.
Yay!
